Admittedly, learning “soft” skills from narcissists and manipulators might seem like a bad idea. But I’ve always loved the saying, “Lord, protect me from well-meaning friends and grant me wise enemies.” Learning from those who bend others’ wills to their advantage isn’t as crazy as it sounds. If you want more control over your life, don’t shy away from studying the best—no matter who they are.

So, what’s the “one thing” we can learn? They don’t fight human nature—they work with it.

Skilled manipulators don’t battle human instincts; they make them their allies. A con artist—male or female—who scams others for a living doesn’t try to break someone’s will. Instead, they ask, “What does this person already want—consciously or not—that I can use to get what I want?”

Most people never consider this angle for personal growth. But let’s think like a manipulator for a moment.

Here’s their golden rule: People do what creates the least internal conflict. Controlling others isn’t about steering actions—it’s about managing the beliefs that drive those actions.

Let’s apply this. Say you want to start a life-changing routine. First, list every belief holding you back. Then, list all the beliefs that would make this routine non-negotiable for you.

Now, the hard part: rewrite that second list several times. Don’t pretend your first draft is perfect—it’ll take a few revisions.

Next, the brutal part: for each belief on your final list, write down 10 actions that someone who truly believes it would likely take—things you haven’t done yet.

Finally, figure out how to convince yourself to take those actions—especially ones unrelated to the routine itself. What do you need to tell yourself? What do you start doing? What do you stop?

Here’s your takeaway: adopting a new routine isn’t about “just doing it.” Most people fail with that approach. Instead, find actions that make it easier to identify with the routine. Counterintuitively, adding complexity—like the belief work we just did—can help make habits stick. Why? Because it forces you to engage with the who and why behind the routine, not just the what.